I Just Want My Brain to Work Properly

July 13, 2018 175 Comments

So this week was interesting. For the first time in about a year I had to work through an anxiety attack.

I felt it creeping up, and I gave it my best effort to avoid it. Monday & Tuesday I did everything I could to distract myself. But Wednesday night it hit, which I knew would be the case with Chris leaving town til Sunday. You do your best to not let yourself get there, you’re afraid. But sometimes it’s just best to let it happen.

Sadly, I kind of only had myself to blame. About a year ago I was prescribed medicine to help manage my anxiety. And it worked! But because I didn’t really want to be that person and feel like I was using it as a crutch instead of learning to cope, I decided to come off it about two months ago.

It wasn’t just the typical I feel good, I don’t need it mentality, I also thought a lot of my anxiety was situational and that I’d worked past that. It was trial & error. But I came to realize I felt great because the medication was doing its job, and maybe my anxiety is more generalized than situational.

There is often a stigma attached to taking medication for mental health. I had the preconceived notions myself and was hesitant. For me it was a last resort. I’d addressed things, and tried to manage my anxiety through other outlets, but it just didn’t help.

The best analogy I have is that medication can help calibrate the brain. Everyone’s brain is wired differently. It’s like a car – if everything is not set up just right, not in tune, not calibrated – it doesn’t run right. It’s slowed down, it’s missing shifts, or sometimes just blows up.

It is important to me to speak out about anxiety and mental health to give it a face. So maybe someone else won’t be so afraid to talk about it. I know it helps me when I see others share because it assures me I’m not the only one, it doesn’t make me crazy, and there is nothing wrong with me.

Just this morning the first thing I saw on social media {which I’ve tried limiting my time on} was my friend’s post below. And honestly it was the perfect way to start my day –

“So there is this quote in the movie Garden State. I don’t remember the scene specifically, but when I was about 17 and lost in this dark hole that we call life (much as I have felt this week), this quote hit home with me. And it still reverberates with me to this day…

Andrew says: “Fuck, this hurts so much.”

In response Sam says: “I know it hurts. That is life. If nothing else, that’s life, ya know. It’s real…and sometimes it fucking hurts. But, it’s sort of all we have.”

Heavy, right? And on different days this means different things to me.

But today it means this…yes, life is SO hard sometimes. And my hard is different than your hard. And that’s real. What hurts me, or what gets me down may seem so simple to you. It may seem petty, stupid even. But that’s MY life. And that’s where I’m at. Next week the same could happen and I brush it off.

But that’s life, right? It’s REAL to me, right then, in that moment. But this life, this feeling, this chaos…it’s mine. And it is all I have. It is all I know. So today, I am going to try to make the best of it. I’m going to recognize the hard and to work through it. Unless this life is gone, what other option do I have?

So know that it’s okay to FEEL it. It’s okay to live through the hard. It’s ok to cry, to be overwhelmed or anxious about the most asinine things. Because that’s you right now. And you are perfectly imperfect along with the rest of us.”

It’s perfect. A hopeful, positive, inspiring, real message about what everyday life is for some. Not seeking sympathy or pity, just simply sharing. To bring awareness, to help others.  And by it touching just one person, ME, it served its purpose.

Too many people struggle silently. Some are ashamed, some fear judgment. If we can allow people to not see themselves as flawed, we can help them to address it and help themselves. Instead of hiding behind who we think we need to be.

I said to Chris on Wednesday, “I just want my brain to work properly.”  We are already hard enough on ourselves. Trust me, if we could change the way we function, we would.

It’s personal to me.

Blogging gives me an outlet to direct some of this energy.  It helps me clear my thoughts. So in an effort to do my part in helping others {and fill my time while Chris is away} I’ll share a little blog series the next few days on anxiety, stress, how social media affects it, and things that help me manage. And no, they won’t be as lengthy as this one 🙂

175 thoughts on “I Just Want My Brain to Work Properly”

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